1
00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:09,050
- Damn it, Terrance.
- You rang?
2
00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,804
Of course! Did we or did we not
decide to paint an accent ceiling?
3
00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:14,806
- Yes.
- And did we or did we not decide
4
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:17,392
to paint it eggshell white,
the whitest of whites,
5
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,602
the Kaley Cuoco of whites,
the calling the cops,
6
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,438
- on a barbecue of white.
- Sounds famil.
7
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,523
Then what is this?
8
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,901
Hot dog, consensually railing a cupcake.
9
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,821
Painted it last night,
after smoking meth on my English pipe.
10
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:32,699
It's a red velvet cupcake,
so, you know it's classy!
11
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,743
(YELPS) You broke my Piper Perabo.
12
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,327
Ha! Missed me, sucka!
13
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,788
Choke on some of this lattice red paint.
14
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,874
- Yeah!
- Stop it, all of you!
15
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,667
We're supposed to do this as a family,
16
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,669
like playing golf,
or when we got the portrait
17
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:47,630
where we were in black turtlenecks
like Death Row Records.
18
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:50,091
- Hi, Terry.
- Oh, hell's no. Pupa can't join.
19
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,136
He gets paint over himself.
We don't know what color he is.
20
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,096
Remember when
we thought he was purple
21
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,390
and had to sacrifice
the virgin Esports kid?
22
00:00:57,474 --> 00:01:00,727
Jamie died a virgin,
but at least he wasn't buried as one.
23
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,729
What's done is done. As leader,
24
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,149
and unquestioned star of the show,
I decree we paint the ceiling white.
25
00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,817
I don't decree that bullshite.
26
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,277
- Do you guys?
- No.
27
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,862
Kree from Captain Marvel!
28
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,240
I've heard all your arguments
and decided a course of action.
29
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,659
What are you gonna do
with that Gargoyle Ray?
30
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,829
Nothing. Just going to freeze you guys
so I can finally do what I want.
31
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,164
(BOTH YELLING)
32
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:25,668
Now, Phil, Dr. Sarner said
this was the best dialysis machine.
33
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,923
Oh, damn it! I'm so sick of those
gargoyle-making aliens.
34
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,174
Look what they've done.
35
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:34,385
Our couch, gargoyle, our TV,
gargoyle, our dog, gargoyle,
36
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:37,514
fucking Mr. Peaches
is a symbolic Gothic demon, Phil!
37
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:41,017
Those dick-faced alien kids
run around all day with no supervision,
38
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,102
well, I am done.
39
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,646
I'm calling the city before
they turn you into...
40
00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,314
Son of a bitch!
41
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,569
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect
utopia until the asteroid hit.
42
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,364
One hundred adults and their replicants
43
00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,783
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the space,
44
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,452
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
45
00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,747
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
46
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,791
That's right.
I've been talking this whole time.
47
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,459
I'm holding Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
48
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,503
This is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
49
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,463
Do you see me?
(STUTTERS) This is ridiculous.
50
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,675
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
51
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,718
I can't believe humans
haven't solved pi yet.
52
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:19,097
I almost want to tell you the answer
because it's embarrassing for you.
53
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,181
Okay, it's four.
54
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,857
Ugh. Our water bill
is crazy this month.
55
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,775
Why do you guys take such long showers?
56
00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:34,779
Are you touching your mounds again.
Stop touching it or it's gonna fall off.
57
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,698
This sucks. That hot dog was art.
58
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,324
No, Terry, Ready Player Three is art.
59
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,326
Stop whining and hand me
another can of paint.
60
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:43,037
Oh, you want this one?
Just grab it. Go ahead.
61
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,789
- Don't make me come down!
- Get it.
62
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:46,082
- Damn it!
- You look canned.
63
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,625
- You give me that.
- Suck a big dick!
64
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,294
- (DOORBELL CHIMING)
- Everyone, freeze!
65
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,795
Child Protective Services!
66
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,132
We got a tip that children were being
turned into gargoyles here.
67
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:55,300
(SOBBING)
68
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,760
FEMALE AGENT:
Uh, Jim, which one are the kids?
69
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,637
Well, shit. They're drinking herbal tea
70
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:02,223
and clearly paying household bills,
but they're taller.
71
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,392
Plus, this one feels like
she has an old soul.
72
00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:08,521
- Huh? Eh?
- She says, you have an old soul.
73
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,191
Only one way to find out
who's a kid and who's not.
74
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:14,444
Okay, we gave you IQ tests
and you two scored the lowest.
75
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,820
So, you must be the kids.
76
00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,907
Bullshit, the tests are biased
against plant-based life forms.
77
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,950
I don't test well.
I have Attention Deficit..
78
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,204
Oh, I love your jacket.
Where did you get that? That's hot.
79
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,288
This is for the best.
80
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:28,124
The accent ceiling is a white symbol
for how you don't get me..
81
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,002
I need to be with people
who are going in that sweet van?
82
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:33,421
- Shotgun!
- Fuck you, Terry.
83
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,465
- Hey! Stop it!
- (BOTH GRUNTING)
84
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,219
Ow, ow, ow, ow! I said.
85
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,054
- What'll happen to them?
- If they're lucky,
86
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,389
they'll be lost in the system,
end up on the streets,
87
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,642
sucking and fucking their way
to a dollar and a cent.
88
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,811
Oh, man, that sounds like Terry.
He's going to thrive.
89
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,605
- What can we do?
- Forget about those kids.
90
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,107
Go on with your life,
buy a Jimmy John's franchise
91
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,943
or a Jersey Mike's maybe a Blimpie.
92
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,903
Anything in the fast,
casual sandwich space.
93
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,863
That's my side hustle. Let me know.
94
00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:03,243
You think Terry and Korvo
are going to be okay?
95
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,578
I really hope so. I like them.
96
00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,040
Today is going to be one of those
weird Solar Opposites days, right?
97
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,626
You betcha.
Probably best to just roll with it.
98
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:14,295
Last one to the school bus
is a deviled egg!
99
00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:27,392
JIM: Welcome to CPS HQ. To save money,
we share space with a Wingstop.
100
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,270
You're lucky, the cops have to share
with the Jiffy Lube.
101
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,437
- Motherfucker!
- Freeze!
102
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,234
Wingstop for the win! (EXCLAIMS)
103
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,653
I'm mad at you, but for once,
you're spot on.
104
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,697
These mango habanero ones
are the T-I-Ts.
105
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,865
Bet they would
taste great with some Terry sauce?
106
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:43,992
Hell, yes. Gimme.
107
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:47,370
That's too bad. You can't have any
because you ruined my painting!
108
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,539
JIM: See what that kid just did?
109
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,792
I think we might finally have one
for Project Dark Brilliance.
110
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:56,087
(WHISPERS) My little pony,
Omega Code Three.
111
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,756
Franklin. get them ready for transport.
112
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,555
- Oh, no.
- What in the fuck
113
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,890
are you two cock nobbers
doing in the hallway?
114
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,017
Ow!
115
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,686
Wait, I thought the Stacys
weren't bullying us anymore.
116
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:14,772
'Cause our bullies union was
in negotiation with the teachers union.
117
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,107
But we struck a deal that says
118
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,359
we can smoke cigarettes
and bully kids on Wednesday.
119
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,403
(GROANS SOFTLY) Jeepers, it's Hump Day.
120
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:23,698
You've got to admire them.
By outsourcing their bullying,
121
00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,241
they keep their hands clean.
122
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,869
It's called plausible
deniability, bitches.
123
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,454
I learned it from my dad.
124
00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,498
Principal Cooke, can you please
tell the Stacys to stop this?
125
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,667
I can't be talking
to any students today.
126
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,544
I am not in a good place. Oh!
127
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,255
Why? Why does the world hate me?
128
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,799
Geez Louise, we've got
to get our life together
129
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,510
or we're going to end up
just like that sad bastard.
130
00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:47,055
The only way
we'll beat the Stacys of the world
131
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:50,141
- is by understanding how they think.
- We could use a psyche ray
132
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:51,726
to get inside their heads.
133
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,020
I smell what you're dealing,
and I like it.
134
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,315
Okay, now, boy alien tell girl alien
how gross her ankles are.
135
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,233
They look like mushy green straws.
136
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,319
- (STRAINING)
- (YELPS, BODY THUDS)
137
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,907
See, Kevin,
that's how you land like a boss.
138
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,825
Go cry to your whore mother.
139
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,244
Where's Terry? Is he dead?
Is he in Kentucky?
140
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:13,164
Terry is special, and he went
to a school for special kids.
141
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,917
But I thought we can't call 'em
"special" because of Antifa.
142
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,043
What about me?
143
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,212
We found you a home
with a very nice couple.
144
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,339
I'll be their only child,
center of attention,
145
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,549
the apple of their eye,
the star of their spinoff?
146
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,301
Sure, he's a CPA, woo!
147
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,804
And she's in charge of
writing instructions
148
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,555
for all Best Buy branded...
149
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,517
Shut up! You had me at
"Best Buy branded refrige."
150
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,228
(SLURPING)
151
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,866
Dr. Weatherstone,
how are the new recruits looking?
152
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,076
Too early to tell, sir.
153
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:53,037
Subject Delta Two looks to be able
to summon fire from his penis.
154
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,498
Gamma Four can move a pineapple
with her brain.
155
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:58,000
And Beta Five
does a mean Robert De Niro impression.
156
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,711
(IMITATING DE NIRO)
"I have nipples. Can you milk me, Greg?"
157
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:04,090
That's an easy impression, like Kermit.
Throw her in the kiln.
158
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,426
But it's Vega Six
that's got real potential.
159
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,094
His numbers are off the charts.
160
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,721
- Check this out.
- New York, Atlanta, O.C., Dallas,
161
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,850
D.C., Bev Hills, Miami,
S.L.C., D.C., D.C.,
162
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,310
O.C., O.C., N.Y.C.,
Bev Hills, Miami, S.L.C.
163
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,104
He got all The Real Housewives.
164
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,232
No kid has ever been able
to do a perfect RHO sequence.
165
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,358
He's the one.
166
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,444
He's special, but he's also an innocent.
167
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,488
You can see it in his eyes.
I'm worried he won't make it.
168
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,074
Let me make this clear,
Dr. Weatherstone,
169
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,661
I don't care that you're the most
attentive lover I've ever had.
170
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:36,622
I make the rules around here.
Prep him for surgery.
171
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:40,168
Some crazy evil shit
is about to go down.
172
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,755
This is wrong.
Someone has to do something and soon,
173
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,132
- or we're all...
- (ALARM BEEPS)
174
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,509
Ooh, lunch time.
Taco salad, come to Mama.
175
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,011
(DOOR CLOSES)
176
00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:51,929
Listen up.
177
00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,764
I am Officer Clark.
178
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,559
This is my partner, Officer McGuard.
179
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:59,312
We both served two tours in Afghanistan.
180
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,980
I'm only gonna say this once.
181
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:05,443
We are so fucking happy for you guys.
182
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:09,197
You're all going to loving
homes and families. (LAUGHS)
183
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:12,867
Oh, and these aren't shotguns.
They're candy cannons.
184
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:16,204
Boom! Boom! Sweet carts for everyone.
185
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,796
TOUR GUIDE: (OVER MIC) The tunnel scenes
for Daylight were filmed here.
186
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,131
Due to tax rebates
187
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,884
and the fact that Sly Stallone
got chlamydia from visiting
188
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:33,095
a New York bathhouse
that he's still frequents to this day.
189
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,305
(GROANING IN PAIN)
190
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,475
(TIRES SCREETCH)
191
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,436
My new family will allow me
to paint an accent ceiling,
192
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,979
the color of my choosing.
193
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,190
My new family said I could
only stay in a chair.
194
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,816
Sucks for you, Belinda.
195
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,320
(ALL SCREAMING)
196
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,156
I was wrong. It sucks for all of us!
197
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,454
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
198
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:04,126
- Is this part of the tour?
- Great question. Actually, no.
199
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,420
It's just one of those
horrible coincidences,
200
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:08,923
like when the people on
- the Fast and Furious 3
- D ride
201
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,508
all had sex with Tyrese.
202
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,093
But I am part of the tour.
203
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,096
- Holy shit, it's fucking Sly.
- It's me Sly Stallone.
204
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,723
Sometimes, I get bored of
the charity work I do.
205
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,768
I like to ride the bus undercover
and see how people react.
206
00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:23,437
Come on, let's get you out of here.
207
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,900
Don't fucking touch me,
Sylvester Stallone.
208
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:28,985
Don't you know who I am?
209
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,696
I'm Korvo.
I do the hero shit around here.
210
00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,782
(GOBBLING)
211
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,784
(GASPS)
212
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,752
Okay. I'm going to go in
and make sure Stacy K. is alone.
213
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:50,006
Then I'll give you the signal.
Wait for it.
214
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,215
What's the signal?
215
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,926
I don't know,
I'm making this shit up as I go along.
216
00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,349
Principal Cooke, uh, what are you doing?
217
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,769
Only this place has a strong
enough power outlet for my hotplate.
218
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,146
Please don't tell on me.
219
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,733
If I get caught cooking beans and eggs
on school grounds, I'll lose my job.
220
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,318
This is all I have.
221
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,861
- Die, motherfucker!
- No, wait!
222
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,030
(ALL SCREAMING)
223
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,450
(FARTS)
224
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:20,119
This day just took a turn.
225
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,996
But I guess this is exactly
what I thought
226
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,123
a boring principal's brain
would look like.
227
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,542
Ugh. Even basic thinks this is basic.
228
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,960
How do we get out of here?
229
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,504
Good thing
I read the Psyche Ray manual,
230
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:31,839
so I know what to do.
231
00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:33,007
Yeah, I read it, too.
232
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,218
But explain the rules to me as
if I was someone who binge-watches
233
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,386
premium streaming TV.
234
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,348
Yay, you. All we have to do
is find Cooke's inner child
235
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,641
and he will lead us out.
236
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,059
Seems simple enough.
237
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:47,104
JESSE: Oh, geez. Turns out
Principal Cooke is hella deep.
238
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,318
Son, I wish your mom had miscarried you
239
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,738
when she got kicked in the stomach
by that Budweiser Clydesdale.
240
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,574
Wow, I just thought Principal Cooke
was a big bag of sad
241
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,076
'cause he had to work with kids.
242
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:02,203
But he clearly had daddy issues.
243
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,996
Surprised he's not working a pole.
244
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,083
I don't know, his dad seems rad.
Is that the inner child?
245
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,796
(GRUNTS)
246
00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:15,966
I don't think so.
Check out that fudgesicle.
247
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,177
Cooke went crazy when it spilled before.
248
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,514
This must be Cooke's temper monster.
It's fuelled by all his anger.
249
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,517
If he catches us, we'll never get out!
250
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,018
(SCREAMING)
251
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,564
(WHIMPERS)
252
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,150
(GRUNTS)
253
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:35,611
Hey, Dr. W.
254
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,739
Has anyone ever told you you look
like that girl from the movies?
255
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:39,949
- Amy Adams?
- No.
256
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,409
- Rachel McAdams.
- No.
257
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,535
- Elizabeth Banks.
- Nah.
258
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,661
- Emma Stone.
- No.
259
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,870
- It's Kathy Bates.
- What?
260
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,581
Forget it. I've decided to
break you out, to save you.
261
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,125
But I love it. I got my switch,
262
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,377
and they let me paint
accent ceiling any color.
263
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,587
(GASPS) Wow. That's fucking classy.
264
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,215
But look, Terry,
you're too special for this place.
265
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:59,719
Trust me. They are going to do
terrible stuff to you if you stay here.
266
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:00,803
(WHISPERS) Butt stuff.
267
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,097
- But I don't have a butt.
- That's even worse.
268
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,432
Come on.
269
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,142
(ALARM BLARING)
270
00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,312
MAN: (OVER RADIO) The tunnel is closed
due to a cinematic crash.
271
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:13,023
There seems to be some
Daylight situation going on.
272
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,984
Damn it, the tunnel was our way out.
273
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,986
I don't understand
what's happening now!
274
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,529
(ALARMS BLARING)
275
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:24,535
Okay, I've got places to be in,
families to join.
276
00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:27,121
This is big boy time.
You and I are the alpha dogs.
277
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:30,249
The main men, the stinkiest poops.
What's our plan to save the day?
278
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:33,169
Listen, little blue boy,
go back with the other orphans
279
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,255
and let an 11-time Golden
Raspberry Award winning actor
280
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,924
- take care of this.
- Not good enough, demolition man.
281
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,802
- I need the deets.
- I promise I will get all of you
282
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,096
out of here alive.
It's not going to be easy.
283
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,264
Some of you will die.
284
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,682
If we can swim through the water
285
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,851
without getting eaten
by the tunnel alligators,
286
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,812
than as God is my witness,
I will save all of your lives.
287
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,898
Except most of you
who will probably die.
288
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,150
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
That sounds super fucking lame.
289
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:59,403
First, tunnel alligators don't exist.
Only rats that cook French food.
290
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,405
Everyone, come with me
because I'm an alien.
291
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,867
I'm leader. And I know leader shit,
like, um, heat signatures.
292
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,453
That's pretty cool. Who's impressed?
I know that guy is.
293
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,455
- (RUMBLING)
- We'll go with you.
294
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,539
Good luck, suckers.
295
00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,875
Hope you're not expendable.
Get it?
296
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:21,884
Told you this would be cooler
than whatever Rocky IV is doing.
297
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,302
(ALL SCREAMING)
298
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,513
You sure this is safe?
299
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,056
Yeah, man, don't be such a...
300
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,850
Holy fuck! Alligators. I knew it.
I'll save you.
301
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,685
(AGENTS SCREAMING)
302
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:32,978
You guys got this, right?
303
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,689
No, we don't have it.
Come back!
304
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,192
(MONSTER PANTING)
305
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,281
I think we're lost.
None of this was in the manual.
306
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,699
Wait, I know what this is.
307
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,159
It's Super Mario 64, right?
308
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:48,786
I don't know boomer shit like that.
309
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:51,622
If you want to get out,
we've to jump into the paintings.
310
00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,833
- You sure?
- I've never been more sure of anything
311
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,125
in my entire life.
312
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,921
Stop trying to play the trumpet,
you're going to be a principal.
313
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,673
That's why I named you Principal.
314
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,384
Oh, my God. Principal Cooke's name
is Principal
315
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,302
Principal Cooke.
316
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,555
(PLAYS TUNE OFF-KEY)
317
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,015
I told you to stop playing.
318
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:13,686
You'll never be as good as Trumpet,
your brother, and he's dead.
319
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,689
(STRAINING)
320
00:14:17,439 --> 00:14:18,899
(YELLS)
321
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:22,403
Keep trying, you piece of shit!
Keep trying.
322
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:23,946
You've killed everybody else.
323
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:26,198
You know what? You haven't killed me.
324
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,200
Mr. Stallone, who're you talking to?
325
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,411
I actually don't know
who I was talking to.
326
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,414
It's from my best movie.
1996's Daylight.
327
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,623
Have you heard of it?
328
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,919
Uh, maybe you were yelling
at the tunnel itself
329
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,755
because it's kind of the bad guy
character in the movie.
330
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:45,259
Exactly, like how Paris is a character
in London Has Fallen.
331
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,178
What are you doing back here?
332
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,347
I saved those guys
and came back to save you
333
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,349
because I'm sure Stallone
cocked it all up.
334
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,809
(RUMBLING)
335
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:55,853
Ah. Fuck!
336
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,689
Hold on. I'll save you.
337
00:14:58,689 --> 00:14:59,982
Hold on. I'm saving you.
338
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,400
It's literally impossible.
339
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,651
You're literally impossible.
340
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,070
(SCREAMING)
341
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,197
Sly, no!
342
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,367
You guys saw that? I tried to save him.
There was nothing I could do.
343
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,578
- I'm the leader now. Let's go.
- Look!
344
00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:17,249
That asshole ran off
and left me to die.
345
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,084
Not true. Nope, I went to get help.
346
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:21,503
We have to get out now.
347
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,422
- We don't have time!
- We do have time
348
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,424
for me to make a dramatic speech.
349
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,428
When we first met,
we were a bunch of beautiful strangers
350
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,889
thrown together
in an impossible situation.
351
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:35,643
But now,
we are tunnel brothers and sisters.
352
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:38,771
Some of us may have sex with... (YELPS)
353
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,356
That's what I'm talking about!
354
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,044
(YELLS)
355
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,343
- Where are we, Kathy Bates?
- No idea.
356
00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:10,552
Let's get back on the road
357
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,471
and make contact
with the Genius Initiative.
358
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,265
They're a secret group
that protects specials like you.
359
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:18,060
I've thrown away
everything I worked for, for you.
360
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,604
I'll be with you.
I can't have my own children
361
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,273
'cause I was kicked in the stomach
by Budweiser Clydesdale.
362
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,692
I'm going to be your mommy.
363
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,819
God, I've waited
all my life to say that.
364
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,863
(YAWNS) Whatevs. Let's eat.
I got a hankering for a Salisbury steak.
365
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,156
Or maybe some sand dabs.
366
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,492
Definitely in need
of a large glass of Scotch.
367
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:34,994
Wait, what Scotch, sand dabs?
368
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,537
No kid would ever eat that.
369
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,205
BevMo card, Kleenex,
370
00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:42,084
tickets to Counting Crows concert,
a fucking digital camera?
371
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,212
- You're not a special kid.
- I never said I was a kid.
372
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,089
Holy shit! What have I done?
373
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,218
What about my Nintendo?
374
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,637
- (GRUNTS)
- Switchie!
375
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,933
(GROANS SOFTLY)
Principal Cooke has seen some darkness.
376
00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,227
- Now I kind of like him.
- Me, too.
377
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,730
All he ever wanted to do
was play the trumpet,
378
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,940
but his dad
was a big fat piece of shit.
379
00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,526
Maybe we were meant to be here.
380
00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:10,696
Maybe today is about seeing people
through their eyes
381
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,406
and not how we perceive them.
382
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,117
Maybe if we help Principal Cooke,
we'll get out alive
383
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:19,496
and with a better understanding of how
a life not lived can crush a man's soul.
384
00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:23,208
That is way too bleak for me.
This isn't BoJack Horseman.
385
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,294
- (MONSTER GRUNTING)
- We're running out of time.
386
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,713
This is it.
Cooke's playroom when he was a kid!
387
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,215
Look, "PPC," Principal Principal Cooke.
388
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:31,508
(GRUNTING)
389
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,264
Here's the inner child.
390
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,268
What the teats?
391
00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:44,188
It's an American boy doll
they released in the '70s.
392
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,482
DOLL: (RECORDING)
I'll find a wife to cook and clean
393
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:48,275
while I'm screwing
my Brazilian secretary.
394
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,651
- (MONSTER PANTING)
- (BOTH YELL)
395
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,945
(ROARS)
396
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,118
PRINCIPAL COOKE:
Did I burn down
397
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,413
the girls bathroom making beef stew
on my hotplate? Yes, yes, I did.
398
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:05,876
The question we should really be asking
is was the beef stew good?
399
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,419
No. No, it was not.
400
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:10,089
You were told
not to cook at school anymore.
401
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,175
I don't care if beef stew
is my third favorite stew.
402
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,469
- I have no choice but to fire...
- (GARBLING)
403
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,518
This is Cooke's room.
These are Cooke's toys, right?
404
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,686
If the Temper Monster can control them,
405
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,897
then maybe he is actually
the inner child.
406
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,650
Yes, Cooke must have so much
residual anger and regret
407
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,693
that his child turned into the monster.
408
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,695
Of course, the answer is jazz.
409
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,365
God damn it, why is the answer
always fucking jazz?
410
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,866
Okay, but...
411
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:39,576
Remember what you wanted to be?
412
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,663
It's not too late. You could still be
like Trumpet, you know?
413
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,373
(SIGHS)
414
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,166
Quick, what do you know about jazz?
415
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,334
You watched all of Treme.
416
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,211
That's just because I love Steve Zahn.
417
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:52,381
But you just make a lot of noises
and that counts as jazz.
418
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,091
(SCATTING)
419
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,262
This feels really disrespectful
420
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,430
and borders
on cultural misappropriation.
421
00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:02,015
In this one case, it's okay.
422
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,600
(SCATTING)
423
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,310
(BOTH SCATTING)
424
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,362
- It's working.
- We're getting out of here.
425
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,740
(CRYING) Trumpet.
426
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:20,367
I miss my dead brother.
427
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,119
It should have been me that died,
428
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,538
in that vat of cookie dough
at Mrs. Fields.
429
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:25,914
Cooke, what's wrong with you?
430
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,751
I'm sorry. The only way I could
describe it is through jazz.
431
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,253
(SCATTING)
432
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,431
Get it?
433
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:48,645
We get it now.
434
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,772
Jazz made us totally get it.
435
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,609
Our work here is done.
436
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,153
STACY: What the fuck
are you doing in our hallway?
437
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,738
To the bleachers, now!
438
00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:00,240
Son of a bitch, it's still Wednesday,
I guess.
439
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:01,325
(GRUNTS, BODY THUDS)
440
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,417
Click.
441
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,508
Hey. Whoa.
442
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,552
Sorry, I roundhouse kicked you
in the head.
443
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,554
I'd to do what a leader does.
444
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,432
It's moments like this,
moments of crisis,
445
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:28,060
when you find out who you are
and where you belong.
446
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,896
Wow, Sylvester Stallone,
I never thought of it that way.
447
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,857
I learned that from Dolly Parton
on the set of Rhinestone,
448
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,693
when the grip was choking
on an egg roll, I froze up.
449
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:39,363
But Dolly didn't.
She saved that fat man's life.
450
00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,990
That was the moment
I realized she was the star
451
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,369
and I was not going to get a look
at those massive hooters.
452
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:48,121
Anyway, I'm out.
You need a ride somewhere?
453
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,498
Yes, I do.
454
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,958
I need to go home to my family.
455
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,209
That's where I belong.
456
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,878
Holy shit.
Is that the truck from Over the Top?
457
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,130
Yep. I keep everything from my films.
458
00:20:57,214 --> 00:21:00,092
I got the plans for my escape
from Escape Plan in the cab.
459
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,760
- You want to see 'em?
- Fucking yes.
460
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,720
Hey, will you autograph my neck?
461
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,389
What a day.
462
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:07,349
- Wanna know what I learned?
- No one asked.
463
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:10,602
Every story can't be through your eyes.
You can't always be the star.
464
00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:12,813
Sometimes, you've to be
the funny talking foreigner
465
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,940
like Rob Schneider
in every movie for a second.
466
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,401
What about Deuce Bigalow?
He was the lead in that one.
467
00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,944
And The Animal
and The Hot Chick.
468
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,737
Schneider had lot
of swings at the plate.
469
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,114
KORVO: He's got star quality.
470
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,283
I've been the lead in this family
for too long.
471
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,952
It's time for someone else.
Terry, this is very hard for me.
472
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,204
We can paint the ceiling
whatever you want.
473
00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:30,414
What's an accent ceiling?
474
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:33,208
Korvo, Yum and I kind of
learned the same thing as you...
475
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,627
I love it when a theme comes together.
476
00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,671
Pupa! What did I tell you
about the paint?
477
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:39,589
- It's a total mess.
- Have you been sitting
478
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:42,009
around here all day,
getting dirty, you little shit?
479
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:44,761
Why are you such a lazy
sack of shit, Pupa? Answer me!
480
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,471
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
481
00:21:50,392 --> 00:21:52,728
Trumpet, I know,
I haven't tooted you in ages.
482
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,688
All my life, I thought I was the one
483
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,857
that should have died
in that Mrs. Fields,
484
00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,277
but now I realized, no,
you were supposed to die.
485
00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:05,240
And I was supposed to live,
so I could give the world this.
486
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:07,576
- (INHALES)
- (PLAYS OFF-KEY)
487
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:08,952
Shit!
488
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:11,580
Fuck!
489
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:17,919
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)